Bowls Humour

Heard on the Green

Below are actual sayings heard on the Bowling Greens of Australia.

Otto's very clever, he can write his name backwards and it's still the same.

My wife told me not to win any more chooks as the 'fridge is full of them.

It's up and down for none.

I don't know how anyone can put down a wrong bias.

Tom's got a bowl on the green at last.

George called me an R.C.
I didn't know you were an R.C., I thought you were a W.C.

I trained to be a Priest and a Minister, but I was too honest so they made me a butcher.

Bill wouldn't cheat me, Carl might, Tommy would.

Is there intelligent life in this club ?........ No, I'm only visiting.

"I want one behind" said Jack
" how many has he got?" said Harry.

A good scorer will beat a good bowler any day.

He was born without a brain.

There's nothing confusing in this world if it's in black and white.
I'm still confused.

You skinny Pommy, looking at you , you'd think there was a famine
Looking at you, you'd think you caused it.

Their tongues will dig their graves.

I'm glad I won a chook, I'll be pleased to get off bread and dripping.

Who's got the shot ?
It's difficult, it looks up and down
Okay, then which one has second ?.

Fred said I was magnificent at coaching class today.
I never said that, I don't use words like magnificent. I may have said good, but that's all.

They speak in different dialogues in England.

Otto was Adolf Hitlers uncle.
No, he wasn't, he lived furder up the mountain.

Reg is on a sea food diet, everytime he sees food he eats it.

Phil's just used a swear word, he said bloody.

The doc said I have tennis elbow and I thought I was playing bowls.

What If ?
What if the other lot had won WW2.

It is not beyond the bounds of possibility that we could have had a President from Oztria or even Der Turd Reich.It could have happened, so read on.........
ACHTUNG....These are der new rules ordered by der Fuhrer...
The handshaken at the end of der game vill be substituted by a crack across the skull with a blackjack, for der losers, in keeping with the spirit of the game.
Flat soled jackboots will be worn and whenever der Fuhrer appears, heels vill be clicked. "Bowlers uber alles', will be sung before all games. Live game will be provided for der winners instead of dead chooks.

New bowling Terms...................

The Jack.......................................Der Adolf
Wrong Bias..................................Rongenwayengoin.
Kiss the jack.................................Adolfschmackenmitchalk
On Shot.......................................Adolfhittenfurder
Drive............................................Adolfgrosshittenfurder
Wick............................................Oderballnickenoff
Short Bowl...................................Nichtuppenballen
Jack High.....................................Adolflevelmit
Ditcher.........................................Overderedgegonen

How lucky we are, we won; God bless the Winning side.

Me flamin' nose hurts. Bin out all day under the hot Australian
sun playin' bowls and look at it, talk about a raw prawn. It's
weepin' like me Auntie Dora on Anzac day, and all because I
went without me GRIPPO.
Grippo's a beaut little screening cream that takes a pride in your
hide even when you don't. Bloody oath, I've even seen a Pom get
away with a day in the sun and you've seen the kind of hooters
the Poms bring over.
Grippo is so full of zinc it goes clang when you kick it. It's like
essence of old bathtub. That's when you need to put the tin
back in your shin. That's why I won't be goin' without me grippo
again, no flamin' worries, no flamin' nose.
Grippo.....The nostrum for your nostril
one sniff and it's a toucher.
from all good bowling clubs and the Flying Doctor.

Lady bowlers come and go
Dress rules go on forever
How dare you try to make a change
No never, never,never.

The men think we are a joke
and look like mobs of sheep
With madam snapping at our heels
It's to the rules you'll keep.

The young are keen to play the game
But won't of course unless
We put some colour on our frame
And try to change our dress.

The men indeed have got more sense
Their rules are not so stuffy
They have more fun and play the game
you've guessed it; dressed in 'mufti'.