Oz Jokes & Humour

THE OZ MEDICAL DICTIONARY

ARTERY.........................................The study of painting.
BENIGN.........................................What you be after you be eight.
BACTERIA......................................Back door to cafeteria.
BARIUM.........................................What doctors do when patients die
BUNION........................................Pauls surname.
CATSCAN.......................................Searching for kitty.
CAUTERIZE....................................Made eye contact with her.
COLIC...........................................A sheep dog.
COMA............................................A punctuation mark.
D&C..............................................Where Washington is.
DILATE..........................................To live longer.
DOSE.............................................A short sleep.
ENEMA...........................................Not a friend.
FESTER..........................................Quicker than someone else.
FIBULA...........................................A small lie
GENITAL........................................Non Jew
G.I.SERIES......................................World series of military baseball.
HANGNAIL.......................................What you hang your coat on
HERNIA.........................................Pertaining to a females knee.
IMPOTENT.......................................Distinguished; well known.
LABOUR PAIN...................................Getting hurt at work.
MEDICAL STAFF................................A doctors cane.
MORBID...........................................A higher offer than I bid.
NITRATES........................................Cheaper than day rates.
NODE..............................................I knew it.
OUTPATIENT....................................A person who has fainted.
OVA...............................................Finished; done with.
PAP SMEAR......................................A fatherhood test
PARADOX......................................Two doctors.
PELVIS............................................Second cousin to Elvis.
POST OPERATIVE..............................A letter carrier.
RECOVERY ROOM..............................Place to do uphostery.
RECTUM...........................................Damn near killed him.
SACRUM.........................................Holy
SECRETION......................................Hiding something.
SEIZURE..........................................Roman emperor
SPERM............................................To reject, look away.
TABLET............................................A small table.
TERMINAL ILLNESS...........................Getting sick at the airport.
TUMOUR..........................................More than one.
URINE.............................................Opposite of mine.
VARICOSE........................................Nearby.
VEIN................................................Conceited.

  SICK JOKES

 

Do you know what it says on the bottom of a soft drink bottle in Australia ?.
'Open other end'

Sign in a Sydney deli, "Mothers are asked not to sit their children on the bacon slicer, as we are getting a little behind with the orders.

Why are Aussie mothers so strong and broad shouldered ?
From raising dumb-bells.

Did you hear about the Aussie who asked to be buried at sea ?
His son drowned trying to dig the grave.

An Aussie woman went into the Chemist shop and asked for some soap. "Madam," said the Chemist, "Do you want it scented or unscented?"
She replied, "If you don't mind, I'll take it with me".

British Sentry, 'Halt, who goes there?' "What the blue, *#~<>*^*## blazes has it got to do with you, ya stupid flamin drongo?".
"Pass Australian"

A chap from Sydney was hunting in the outback when he came across a beautiful young Sheila sunbathing in the nude.
"Are you game ?", he asked.
"I sure am," she replied.
So he shot her.

Bruce walks into a bar in Queensland with a huge crocodile on a leash.
"Do you serve Pommies here?". he shouted.
"Sure sport, we serve Englishmen", says the barman.
"Good ", says Bruce.
"I'll have a beer for meself and a Pom for the croc".

At the Sydney Bankruptcy court, Ausyralia's worst gambler admitted to losing his last $600 on the Melbourne Cup.
He lost $200 on the race and $400 on the action replay.

Harry Black, Australia's greatest receiver of stolen goods, was killed today.
He fell off the back of a truck.

Sydney police wish to alert the public about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.
If you see this man staring in your windows, warn the people next door.

The headstone read "Here lies the body of Sir Thomas Parker,
an Englishman and a gentleman'
"Not likely", said the Aussie, "No gentleman would ever be buried
with a Pommy."

Aussie Joe was having a beer with his mate Brian.
"If you don't mind me saying, Joe", said Brian.
"you should draw your bedroom curtains at night, I walked past your place
and saw you in bed with your wife".
"ha, ha, ha',said Joe, "the jokes on you, I wasn't
even home last night !".

Trivia Time

Only buy a used car when its new.

Always wear a hat, you'll know where to stop when you wash your face.

To brainwash an Aussie, use an ENEMA.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?..........They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.

Why do Australians call their beer xxxx ?..............Because they can't spell beer.

The Australians are a very elite race.............selected by the best judges in England.

Do you know why Australians wear thongs ?.........'cos they don't know how to tie their shoelaces.

If a field full of Irishmen is called a Paddy Field..........What is a field full of Aussies called..
A Vacant Lot