Humour

When I was born I was black, when I grew up I was black,
When I get sick I am black, when I am scared I am black.
When I choke I am black, when I get embarrassed I am black.

But you white fellows, when you are born you were pink,
When you grow up you are white, when you get sick you are green,
When you get scared you are yellow, when you choke you are blue,
when you get embarrassed you are red.
And you've got the hide to call me coloured.

Little pill here in my hand,
I wonder how you understand,
Just what to do or where to go,
To stop the ache that hurts me so.
Within your covering lies relief,
You work alone in great belief,
You sink in regions there below,
As down my throat you quickly go!
But what I wonder little pill,
How do you know where I am ill?
And just how do you really know,
Exactly where you have to go?
I've got a headache, that is true.
My broken ribs need attention too,
So how can anything so small,
End my aches in no time at all?
Do you work alone or hire a crew,
To do the good things that you do?
I'm counting on you mighty strong,
To get in there where you belong.
Don't let me down and please don't shirk,
To do your undercover work,
So down my throat, be on your way,
And end my aches for another day.
Don't take the wrong turn is my plea-
I can't take another pill till after three!

Irish Polo mints have a hole on the outside.

Pats wife had triplets, now he's trying to find out who the other blokes are.

Where do words go when you rub them off the blackboard.?

Join the army, meet interesting people; and kill them.

All men eat but Fu Man Chu.

Don't vote...... the Government will get in.

Do you have a drinking problem ?,..............Yes I can't afford it.

What do you have in common with your husband.?..................We were both married on the same day.

Middle age is when you know your way around, but don't feel like going.

Middle age is that time of life when a man returns a wink with a blink.

Money talks and makes me cry, for all it says is goodbye.

Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.

My husband's a do it yourself man, every time I ask him to do something he says, "do it yourself".

It's nice to be important, but more important to be nice.

A bachelor has no one to share his troubles. Why should he ?, he hasn't any.

As you wander through life brother, whatever be your goal, keep your eye upon the doughnut and not upon the hole.

An Irish firing squad stands in a circle.

Why did the Irishman drown ?.................Because he was practising his river dance.

How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree ?...............You wave to him.

The IRA has just bought 1000 septic tanks. As soon as they learn how to drive them, thay're going to invade England.

They call her 'Appendix'................If you take her out once, that's enough.

Milton was a poet that wrote "Paradise Lost"
When his wife died he wrote "Paradise Regained".

The only good thing to come out of Scotland.....Is the road to England.

If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker. If he's bald on the back, he's a lover>
if he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover.

What is the name of that lady with the wooden leg ?.................."Peg".

The cannibal returned to his camp for lunch at 2.30 pm and called,"Am I too late for lunch ?"
"Yes", replied the cook, "You are. Everybody's eaten".

Mrs Murphy said, "My husband made me happy by adding a little magic to our relationship - he disappeared".

Little boy: "Granny, please make a noise like a frog".
Granny: "Why on earth do you want me to do that?".
Little boy: "Mummy told me that when you croaked, we'd get all your money".

"I've had to give up tap dancing".
"Why?".
"I kept falling in the sink".

There are three kinds of people.
Those who make things happen.
Those who watch things happen.
And those who wonder what happened.

"Sir, I want your daughter for my wife."
"I'm not swapping 'til I see your wife.'

Two men drive into a carwash.
Which one is the Irishman?
The one on the motobike.

Money

Money is not too important,
not nearly as precious as health.
happiness, home, reputation.
All rate ahead of mere wealth.
Be grateful for lifes simple pleasures,
Avoiding the wealth seeking craze,
For money is not too important,
Said the boss, when I asked for a raise.

Pigs Might Fly

It was crisis day in the Parlaiment.
The house was hushed and still
As a member rose with a question,
"Are we doomed to go downhill?"

"I am confident of an upturn"
The P.M.said in reply
"if workers pay is held at bay,
We'll all be home and dry".

"How true"; cried the workers
"Let's end this wicked strike.
We don't want a rise in wages,
They can stick it where they like".

"Thank God, thank God", sobbed the bosses
"There's faith on the factory floor.
And now we've got this extra lot,
We'll give it to the poor".

They filled their pockets with money
And ran with eager feet.
Pressing their surplus profits
On the people in the streets.

They moved along the dole queues
And boarded every bus.
With streaming eyes and heartfelt cries
"You need it more than us".

Soon all the people prospered
And the devil became a saint.
Now that the sober unions
Had exercised restraint.

And the cities were filled with singing
And the sound of laughter spread.
As the hand took the hand in the golden land
And pigs flew overhead.